I Knew You Were Butter When You Walked In (Vegan Peanut Butter Cookies)

Guys, I’m back!

koolaid

And I did something really, really bad.

Well, okay, I did two somethings really bad.

First thing’s first: I’m the realest. Just kidding/fancy! No, but seriously, my first offense is that I sort of dropped this blog for the past 10 months. I have a litany of excuses ranging from valid (“I mooooooooved and started a new jobbbbbbbb”) to pathetic (“my cat ate my laptop charger twiiiiiiiiice”), but at the end of the day, I’m pretty sure I was just lazy. TL;DB: happy hour and Sunday Funday usually take precedence over blogging. Apologies if you were one of my three regular readers, who also probably happen to be my three regular college radio station listeners. Hi, Mom!

Second confession: I went vegan. I know, I KNOW. This is my third attempt at veganism, and every attempt is more half-hearted than the last. My last attempt devolved from “strict veganism” to “strict veganism except for brunch” to “strict veganism except for brunch and when I forget” to “strict veganism but instead of not eating dairy and eggs I only eat dairy and eggs except for brunch when I pick at a plate of huevos rancheros and use Bloody Marys as a food substitute” in about the course of six hours. Veganism is my white whale. It is my Harry Styles. TROUBLE TROUBLE TROUBLE.

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Besides a slew of guilt-driven environmental, social, and nutritional considerations, I also felt like I needed a new way to annoy people, and let’s be honest, I’m way too lazy to join CrossFit, so veganism seemed like the next best option. Let’s make some vegan cookies before I fall off the wagon and into a Domino’s delivery car*, shall we?

I bake on a fairly regular basis, and the hardest part of this whole experience week has been tearfully standing in front of my refrigerator, door open, throwing pebbles at the window of the butter shelf. IF YOU’RE A BIRD, I’M A BIRD. I’m still waiting for Butter to text me back but he keeps saying he’s “busy” and he posted a pic of him with Carton of Eggs on Insta so FINE I can take the hint. Why don’t you go hang out with Article of 10 Pies You Must Make This Summer That’s on My Refrigerator Door, I hear she’s a good time.

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It may not be a raspberry buttermilk pie, but I figured practice makes perfect makes cookies, and thought I’d give vegan peanut butter cookies a go. Most vegan baked goods require a certain level of WTFery in their ingredients with which I can’t be bothered, but this recipe caught my eye due to its simplicity. I have peanut butter! And brown sugar! Hey, I have all these things!

I did sub out the rolled oat flour for regular whole wheat flour thinking the former was a simple gluten-free swap, but next time, I’ll probably try to follow the recipe exactly, as mine came out a bit crumbly. Still, let’s be honest, I ate one and/or two. For those of you more experienced with vegan baking, I’d love your tips and tricks before I end up face-deep in a Baked and Wired brownie. For those of you not experienced with vegan baking, I’d recommend you use these as a crumble topping for a chocolate chess pie and send me pictures and explain the pie to me in extreme detail so that I may live vicariously through you but please don’t mention Butter and his new girlf.

I also sprinkled a bit of cinnamon on top before baking, which sounds weird, but trust me, is delicious. I worked at Cold Stone Creamery for two years in high school, and when we weren’t hiding under the cupboards and eating lo mein, choreographing broom-based pole dances**, or paying each other to drink the mop water, we were coming up with the best – and worst!- ice cream combinations. Cinnamon and peanut butter in vanilla ice cream is still my favorite to this day, while mint ice cream mixed with pineapple, cherry, and lo mein is arguably the worst. I am, however, open to dissenting opinions. Also, now that I think about it, who let a 23-year-old be our boss? I think if I had to manage 16-year-olds at that age, they would have definitely mutinied by now due to my inaccurate use of the term “on fleek” (e.g., “the baes are on fleek”).

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Now that we’ve taken a brief diversion to SODH at the youths, let’s make some cookies, shall we?

I’d also like to add a disclaimer to new readers that this blog is a way for me to try out new recipes while virtually shooting the shit with the Internet and related whatnots. Recipe outcome is secondary, and photography comes in dead last in terms of priority. Basically, this is my haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate mea culpa. All photos taken with my iPhone 5, no props or lighting, and let’s be honest, mayyyybe a filter if I’m feeling ambitious.

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Vegan Peanut Butter Cookies (adapted from Blissful Basil)

Ingredients
  • 1 cup peanut butter (I use Jif because I’m terrible –who will saaaaave your soul?– but I hear almond butter or natural peanut butter is also great in these cookies)
  • 1 cup brown sugar
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
  • 1 cup whole wheat flour (original recipe called for 2/3 to 1 cup oat flour, depending on how chewy you like your cookies)
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • ⅛ teaspoon salt
  • ¼ cup almond milk (per comment suggestions)

Preheat oven to 350º F, and line baking sheets with parchment paper, or spray lightly with nonstick cooking spray. In a large bowl, beat together peanut butter and brown sugar for about 1 minute. Add in vanilla extract and beat for an additional 30 seconds.

In a separate bowl, mix together flour, baking soda, and salt. Slowly beat dry mixture into wet mixture, being careful not to over-mix.

Roll dough into small balls, and place onto greased/paper baking sheets. Then, since this a peanut butter cookie, CRISS CROSS.

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CRISS CROSS.

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CRISS CROSS.

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HANDS ON YOUR KNEES, HANDS ON YOUR KNESS, LET ME SEE YOU CLAP YOUR HANDS.

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(Kriss Kross)

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(Criss Chros)

Bake for 8-10 minutes, or honestly, just eat the batter straight from the bowl. There’s no raw egg, so like, it’s practically healthy. Let cool for 5 minutes, and remove from sheet onto wire rack. Serve to your unsuspecting coworkers and pretend not to notice their disappointment.

*I may or may not have ridden a Domino’s delivery car home once thinking it was a cab. I may or may not have been wearing a unitard and antlers. I may or may not be welcome back in Boulder.

**”Gimme BCR,” to the tune of Britney Spears’s “Gimme More”

If you’re 13 years old, and you’re going out on a date
Wearing Abercrombie, we know exactly what you’re gonna say
You want that cake batter and it doesn’t matter if you got it last time, got it last time
Your friends got the same thing but you wanna stay thin, get the Like It, you get the Like It

They say…

Gimme BCR, BCR, BC-BCR
Gimme BCR, BCR, BCR OH BABY

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